Wednesday 19 September 2012

Daily Experience - the four sufferings


Here's an experience I gave recently at Chapter Study. Really happy to chat further on this experience - I've condensed it slightly for twitterville... OK, here goes!

As a child I was unusually worried about the sufferings of life and death. I think this was because my mum had died when I was two from ovarian cancer. She was only 27. My spiritual home was with my grandparents, where I was doted upon. I was showered with love, affection and fed in only the way a Jewish family can. It was like living at The Ritz - I loved it!
However I was a very sad child, constantly worried about the day when my grandparents would die. Even at the age of five, I had zero self-esteem and felt like something was missing in my life.
This feeling only got worse when my parents split up. The stress on me was really heavy as I felt very responsible for my siblings. It affected me so much to the extent that one day I woke up and my body was temporarily paralysed through stress. Talk about the mind and body being inseparable! 
As a teenager, my school suggested I go to counselling which did help, but was a very temporary solution. I had the great fortune of meeting the practice when I was 21, in 1995. I started to chant the day after my first discussion meeting. I received Gohonzon in 1997 and then developed a very strong practice within the Youth Division.
My son Louis was born in 2002. I'd chanted for the 'easy delivery of a fortune child'. 27 hours of labour later, he was born very traumatically. He received a 1 out of 10 health score and had been damaged through labour. I was convinced he was dead and that it was my fault. 
Within eight hours, I'd developed psychotic post-natal depression and the voices in my head started, telling me to harm my baby. I never did, as I could fight the messages, but it was extremely frightening and drained me completely.
 My practice which had been so strong, instantly suffered. I could not look at the Gohonzon; the only thing I wanted to do was sleep my life away.  I was 27 then, and convinced I would die that year, just like my mum. Thoughts of suicide constantly plagued me, but somewhere deep inside, I must have recognized my own Buddhahood and I certainly would not have done anything to cause my son suffering.
This continued for about eighteen months, and over time, the anxiety attacks stopped and I resumed my practice.  I tried medicines, counselling, but as ever, it was my practice that saved me.
The next six months were about to become even more traumatic. My mum told us she'd been diagnosed with ovarian cancer, just like my real mum and it was terminal. This shook my practice once more although I did carry on chanting.
That year, I received a call from King George's Hospital to say my nan had been taken ill. When I got there, the consultant sat me down and told me that she had cancer and was very close to dying.  This was the moment I'd dreaded all my life but because I had my practice, I knew our connection was eternal. She died within four days with me at her bedside. 
I picked myself up again, as I was now responsible for my granddad as he was suffering quite badly. He died within a year of losing my nan.  Another loss that shook my life.
When I thought things couldn't get any worse, my mum died the following year. As she reached the end of her life, I was tortured by thoughts that I hadn't supported her enough. And that's when I hit rock bottom. I had daily panic attacks, I became agrophobic, I couldn't get out of the tube station in the morning to get to work. I felt like the worst daughter in the world, the worst mum to my son, in fact the most unlovable person in the world. I am ashamed to say that again, my practice completely slipped away, and my life became very small again. Getting Louis dressed for school and getting to work were massive achievements for me at that time. 
I resumed counselling sessions. After six weeks, my sister rang to ask how it was all going. I said ok to which she replied "But are you chanting about it?". It was like a lightbulb had gone off. 
Christmas 2010, I received a phone call to say my second stepmum had died suddenly. She was only 43. With my stronger life-state, I was able to chant for her eternal life without my faith or practice suffering.
I drew my strength from the training I received in Youth Division, and it gave me the courage to transform these experiences and suffering into victories and an absolute transformation of my life-state. I took on more responsibility and really determined to practice even harder as a disciple of Sensei. I have devoted my life to the three practices, kosen-rufu and our beloved SGI organisation.

Today there are people who have faith in the Lotus Sutra. The belief of some is like fire while that of others is like water. When the former listen to the teachings, their passion flares up like fire, but as time goes on, they tend to discard their faith. To have faith like water means to believe continuously without ever regressing. Since you pay frequent visits to me regardless of the difficulties, your belief is comparable to flowing water. It is worthy of great respect! Two Kinds of Faith http://www.sgilibrary.org/view.php?page=899

2 comments:

  1. Thank U for sharing your life experience with us: it is a tale of suffering, battle and win that is really worth to tell.
    Thank U again and best wishes for your future!
    Carlo

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    1. Thank you Carlo, really appreciate your support :)

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